If I know how to do magic

I'll go a beach RIGHT NOW.

I'll be in a hammock illuminated by flickers of light from a small fire, drinking chilled cocktail, looking at the stars.

But, as I dont know how to... might as well go to die!

Nauseous

You see the smile that's on my mouth,

Its hiding the words that don't come out,

All of the friends who think that I'm blessed,

They don't know I'm in this mess.

Lately I've been worrying myself sick with stuff. Important stuff that will have major implication on my future. Never in my life that I've been this restless thinking about something and very unsettled regarding it. For the first time, I am uncertain as to what to do. 

I'm so confused.

At the moment I am slightly depressed, which no amount of chocolate/wine/kiss* could make it right. 

If I am another person looking at me right now, I'll feel nauseous.

*Delete as necessary.

PS: Quote from The Story- Brandi Carlile

Who wear what?

This is me. Really. In my traditional dress. I luv it! Oh how I wish I can celebrate Eid with my family. Celebrating with friends is great nonetheless.

This is me (blue-faced) and my cute friend (green-faced). That particular day we dressed as the gossip girls. ala blair- hence the ruffles and the pencil skirt.

Haaha... sorry for such vain entry. I need to show the outfits! Gorgeous!!!

Its scareyyyyyy...

i) that exam is in less than 3 months and I have done absolutely nothing.

ii) that I am always tired without any known or diagnosed pathology. 

iii) that there is a possibility that I may have cancer and not know it.

iv) how agitated a patient with a real active stroke presents.

v) to even imagine that i'll never find my true love. 

vi) to wake up from sleep but unable to move any limb.

vii) to know all MY family history.

Pictures

again...

THIS IS HOW I WOULD DRESS (if i could).
I heart the simple crossed halter on the far right.
I'm certainly digging the hair.
Thanks Jasmine di Milo.

This super wonderful collage was taken from here
I love this blog, so please do check it out.

Photolog

I wanted to have Italian food for dinner for quite some time now. So Italian food I cooked. I have no idea why all the pictures of these gorgeous food turned out to be with severe yellow tint, but nevertheless, do imagine the excitement of having them. Glorious!!!

For starter: Melanzana alla Parmiagiana (Aubergine with vege in tomato sauce + cheese topping)  and Goat cheese stuffed pepper with breadcrumbs served with caramelised balsamic vinegar (oh- how very mouth watering). 

For main: Tagliatelle with chicken in mushroom and cheese sauce

For desserts: Profiteroles

All the food had been inspired by recent dinner outings. The recipes that I found on the internet dont make sense, so HM#1 and me decided to make it up along the way. And I was dead chuffed when they all turn out so delicious. Goat cheese stuffed pepper is very simple to prepare: cut the long pepper into half, stuff with cheese, sprinkle with breadcrumbs, bake for 10 mins and serve with caramelised balsamic vinegar. It has strong taste and smell to it. I luv it (in the words of cheryl cole). The profiteroles were from a supermarket though, although if needs be (with a lot of time at hands), HM#1 can prepare it from scratch.

I wore this whole assemble to hospital the other day. One of the plastic surgeon registars said and I quote: "You look like you just stepped out from London Fashion Week". Seriously she said that!!! I was of course very delighted and I think that it was the nicest compliment ever given to me. She added "Everything is so stylish, the little flowers on your watch, the steth in back pocket, wait- thats a jean? ooOoOo. Nice". LAlalalalLala. Ultimate achievement. So for the benefit of this blog readers, let me present: the details of the outfit.

The bag, the watch, handmade (by me) necklace, the shoes and the jeans.

Remember I wrote an entry previously about Ceilidh dance, here a picture form the dance. Note the kilt and the metal piece (dont know what it is called) of my dancing partner. He's a lovely guy from the year below.

What's on TV?

*** These are all personal opinion. If you disagree, well, tough. My blog my say.***

i) It sucks that Clarke was eliminated last week from ANTM Cycle 11. Really. She's really stunning even though she behaves like a proper bitch at times. The week before she had this amazingly gorgeous eyes shoot that I totally swooned for. She won then, but I guess the arrogant nature of Clarke got the better of her. Joselyn is weird esp her laugh. Her features are not so striking and last week she performed badly doing the disaster-themed shoot, its a miracle that the judges chose her over Clarke. Then one of my flatmates raised a very important point that I had overlooked: ANTM's judges cant really kicked her out because otherwise the show wont have anymore black (or should I say- African American, no offense for the previous choice of word) people in it. Ooohh... I didnt realized that. Well- that's really unfair for Clarke- she really is gorgeous and I think Joselyn wont last long. Promise!

Tyra (to Joselyn): we are giving you another chance because of your personality.

p53 (to Tyra): personality- my ass- what a lot of rubbish.

ii) It was again another episode of nail-biting and nerve wrecking episode of X-FACTOR. Top three of each group were chosen, and to be honest I didnt care a shit about any group other than the girls. All bar one was damn good. Too bad that Cheryl Cole got the girls, they are better of under Simon. I really didnt expect Hannah to be that good. Today, she was nothing short of perfect. And after reviewing (read: you-tube watching) her previous performances, she had been really consistent all through out. Her voice has got this rocky-husky edge to it and she delivered. Man, I was so dissappointed that she didnt make it for the live-show. Laura White- got through: no surprised there; with voice like Amy Winehouse- I really wish her all the best in her coming songs choices. Diana Vickers is great. I absolutely love her performance (Hallelujah) in the bootcamp. A bit too disappointed that Amy Connoly's journey in XFactor ended now (over that alexandra girl). Ah.

iii) Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was on TV again. Again like for the 5th time since I've been in the UK. And yet there I was watching it and singing along (yes i know- guilty as charged- I have this penchant for musicals). Never notice this before: Baron Bomhurst's castle was actually NEUSCHWAN-freaking-TEIN. Been there!

Anyway... favourite song from the movie was: Doll on a music box . However today I fell for "truly scrumptious". And of course I was elated beyond words when those two songs were combined towards the end of the movie. Truly is soooo pretty. Ahhhhhh.

Eating Disorder

The other day I watched a very interesting documentary on Channel 4. It was about an 8 years old who is an anorexic. [Click here to watch it online] I was shocked to see such incident. 8 years old?!!! What's up with the kiddies these days. When I was a child of that age, all that I'm concern about is "will I miss the ice cream man if I take a quick nap". 

She's called Dana. Very beautiful girl. Pretty but thin (does this ring any bell??). (Editor's Note: p53 IS pretty and thin, but she is not in any way anorexic). It all started when she tried to eat healthily by giving up sweets and junk food. Then she became a vegetarian and not long after that she gave up food altogether.

It was shocking (to me, lest my sheer ignorance for the subject matter) to know that are more anorexic girls under the age of ten these days compared to previously. Obsession with body image has affected children of young age. Gosh- that's a disturbing thought. 

There I was- sitting in front of the TV gawking at it and making mental list of an anorexic's S+S. Dana ticked all the boxes.

• When she looks at mirror she sees a FAT girl (she is about 3 stone in weight)
• Extreme exercise (skipping all the time- mom took away her skipping rope, she then run up and down the stairs- mom detained her in her room, she then jumps on the same spot- dear God)
• Has a voice in her head that tells her thing and controls her LIFE.
• Calories counting. Even the older girls (in the rehab centre where she was at) was surprised to learn the fact that she knows the calories for everything.

[Click here for a review of this documetary]

The next day when I was in hospital I met a patient with ?Eating disorder. 80 odd. She refused to eat anything solid despite not having any dysphagia. Ensure (a type of nutritional drink/shakes) was delivered to her in small medicine cup- for which she happily drink away thinking that it was medicine. Ha! Of course the consultant was worried about her food intake, she's at high risk of not getting enough calories/nutrition. On further questioning (of her daughter) she has always been thin- all her life. 

Plus I noticed that she is very conscious about her appearance. Insisting of wearing matching coloured garment (pink nonetheless) from top to toe. At first I thought she's probably losing it (i.e. her mind- being old and all that), then when she really fiddle* with her hair while talking to my consultant or any other male doctors as a matter of fact, you know- with giggle and darting eyes. Body image issue anyone?

Numbers of elderly with eating disorder is underdiagnosed. The sad thing is when it is not detected(?) early enough, he/she will deteriorate fast or even die (many comorbidities and poor diet esp those living alone). 

My say: old also want to look pretty meh? Just enjoy life not that you have many of it left. 

*fiddle as in: brushing her hair away from forehead and tucking it behind her ears in a very teenage-like motion. difficult to explain, has to witness first hand.

Early morning awakening

God no, its 5am in the morning. And here I am logging onto internet, doing nothing in particular. I was awake since half 3. And for that I call myself a freak.

My sleeping pattern changed alot since the end of Ramadan (fasting month). Sleeping more than ever. You'd be surprise to know that on average I sleep more than 10 hours (even on weekdays!) Surely it wont do any good to my revision program (yup I do have one but failing very terribly to stick to the program).

However after a general inquiry to most of my friends, some of them also experienced sleeping problem. My gay best friend mentioned that he is currently lacking in sleep (the general medicine placement is too taxing he said). Some other fell ill due to changes in weather lately. 

I think it the weather that wavers most hope we have inside of us. North west of the UK is notorious for that. This week has been an absolute nightmare. Some days it was pissing it down and some days it was sunny at 11am up to a point of boiling (of course in turtleneck and boots- who wouldnt- because it was initially wet and cold when I left my flat at 8am). You can bet that on the day that I forget to bring my brollies (umbrella) it will rain like hell. 

I can actually feel a Seasonal Affective Disorder creeping in. Tsk. 

I am noticably more quiet than usual (whatttt??) and prefer sleeping more than doing other thing. Some days I feel like snapping at people (esp one of my flatmates who behaves like a cow) and hospital is the only place I seek refuge from. Weird but true. In hospital with my team (in ward or clinic) I am still me. Generous, helpful and full with smiles. Out of hospital (even when walking toward the bloody bus stop- see Im doing it now), more often than not, I am a miserably person with very low energy level. 

At least I dont lose interest in thing I like doing. FYI, reading textbooks has never been in that category (category: thing I like doing). I still get excited over groceries shopping, watching and commenting on Xfactor and ANTM, and enjoying good food. 

Hope things will get better soon, p53.

Given above was an internal monologue of a final year medical student. Evaluate the situation (10marks).

Snippets

Here are snippets of life from the past few days: hospital and non-hospital related.

i) I started with a new team last Monday and I seriously could NOT ask for a better team. One month of hospital placement with a stroke/ elderly medicine team. The SpR, the ST doctor and the FY1 are all fabulous. I love them. Yet to meet my consultant (although I know him from previous teachings) as he is on his week-off for Eid celebration.

ii) Talking of which, we celebrated our Eid on Tuesday. Yeay! I didnt take any day off, no point really as there were no mosque close by that I could have gone to for Eid prayer. So I went to hospital instead. (No kidding).

iii) On Tuesday I received a lot of Eid wishes and that made me happy. I talked and examined alot of patients and that made the patients happy. I taught some 3rd year juniors some CT thorax and murmurs and that made them happy. I got off my ward early and that made me even happier. Then I had big dinner with housemates (they cooked traditional dishes and I baked!) and of course that made me super happy. Then when I thought I couldnt be any more happier than I was at the time, my crush called me. And that made me float. Really.

iv) So today I brought some of the cookies for my team and staff at the ward. I grinned from ears to ears with the reception that I received for my humble little cookies. 

v) Ward was quiet today. Except for a patient who screamed (very loudly!!!) when ST tried to cannulate him. He said and I quote: "I dont want anything doing with me anymore, just let me be. If its my time, then let me die. Stop... stop... stop everything (voice diminished)..."

Questions: When do we know when exactly to stop? When patient is competent, can we doctors still intervene against patient's wish, in the name of -patient best interest-? What happen to our oath if we dont do anything to this patient? Is it a passive euthanasia if we let the patient be? Does prolonging patient's life means prolonging patient's suffering?

vi) Alrighty, that was btw a patient with rectal cancer who bleeded PR last night (passing maleana and clots of fresh blood). He was an 80y-o (4years hx of cancer) and refusing any further interventions (fluids, bloods, endoscopy etc). This was a same patient who reported seeing things that werent there (?hallucination due to secondary mets in brain). Bless his soul. I dont want him to suffer anymore, but I dont want him to die either. Tough call. 

vi) One of my friends came to my ward (her ward was opposite my ward) and she was surprised to see that my ward is very modern and new and spacious and nicely done. And that my team is super friendly. Ha. Just my luck.

vii) Then later today I cooked soto for dinner. Very delicious yet very time consuming and patience-testing dish. So many different steps (make the rice, then the soup, then have to shred the chicken, then boil potatoes, then mix with mince meat, make meatballs, fry them, make fried onions, prepare cripsy vermicelli, prepare spicy chilli soy-sauce, omg why did I choose to make this in the first place???) Luckily I got help from couple of very nice people, even then all the cooking took 2 hours to complete. It look like this [picture credit]

Good day? yes. hope everyone is also having a good time no matter what you guys are doing. 

xoxo gossip girl eh, xzxz sleepy medic.