Of course

Thanks to God, I'm ALLright now. Healthy bunny. The flu-like illness that I had for the last three weeks has now settled. Last week was the worst. I actually had rigors. Rigors like rigors should be: shaking the bed and all. Madness I tell you. Never in my life I experience such thing, so of course I was so upset (the hypochondriac in me more like it) thinking that it was actually the end of world. Thinking that I was about to die. That was on Thursday of last week.

I came back from my GP practice (having sitting in consultation with my GP tutor- which was fine at the time, until I had my lunch and couldnt eat- which was out of the norm for me- like completely- then the rigors started) feeling very dreadful and shaking (with teeth clattering of course) all my way on the train. 

Then, I decided (one of my wisest move that day) to text HM#1, plaeding her to pcik me up from the train station as i felt as is I was about to pass out. 

Can.not.walk.back.home.feeling.so.fucking.cold.like.i.was.about.to.freeze.to.death.

Stepping into her car, she asked one question: Are you alright?

And the gate gave away. Tear gate thats it. The feeling was just so overwhelming- I felt so awful, so tired, so shaky, so pissed-off, so ill, so depressed, so dead, so cold. I just sat there at the back seat and cried. Like a baby. Talking baby. (Ranting about how stupid my GP -my actually GP's gp- my own doctors as I couldnt get any urgent appointment- hello- I'm dying here!!)

She was used to it though (me crying, not me being unwell). There was BFF too in the car. And that of course only lower down the threshold for emotional outpouring. They were concerned of course. For the facts that i) I looked very unwell ii) I cried without inhibitation iii) I kept on cursing with alot of the F words.

Primary Care Trust (Out of Hours) service was contacted. Appointment was booked two hours later. Hot soup was consumed while waiting. I was triaged (nurse) and examined (by doctor of course). Antibiotic was prescribed. Chemist was visited, prescription was obtained. First dose of Abx was taken. Dinner and was put to bed by HM#1.

End of drama.

All this while (last three weeks) I've been having headache that worsen when waking up from sleep in the morning/coughing/sneezing/bending down. I was convinced that I MUST have some sort space occupying lesion as that kind of headache is characteristic of raised intracranial pressure. Or at least my hypochhondria alter-ego thought that.

Coryzal symptoms tied up with headache, the diagnosis given by the doctor was: sinusitis. I was like: really? sure it is not something more serious? I'm septic already!

Temp: 38.9c and RR 18bpm and pulse 110bpm. 

Thats classified as SIRS (systemic inflammatory response sndrome).

"Alter ego: I'm dying here. Im dying here, helllllllooooo...."

Duh, give it a try. 

The next day I felt much much much better. Like magic I woke up that morning (Friday) without headache and temp. Id been having headache for the longest time, I actually forgotten how does it feels to NOT have headache. Feels good, let me tell you that.

Friday went by so quickly. Drowsy from the lemsip. 

So did the weekend.

This week I feel much better. There is actually bounce in my walk. I skip while I walk when I'm happy. I start singing again. And humming to tunes. Making small talks that I was too uninterested to make before with the staff of the GP practice I am at right now (gosh- they must think that I'm a snobbish asian girl who simply dont talk to other member of staff apart from doctors). I wake up in the morning, looking forward to things that lay ahead of me that day (as opposed to cursing of course). I wake up without headache (I know, i mentioned it already- but this is a very important point). I find it nice to receive phone calls from friends (as opposed to feeling dreadful having to put up an upbeat tone or declining the calls). I watch ANTM and Gossip girls. I start gossiping and going shopping again. I start to like my crushes again. 

I'm almost normal.

Yeah.

Of course, thanks to GOD.

*Of course, the title of this entry: count the no# of times that I said that phrase. 

Nauseous

You see the smile that's on my mouth,

Its hiding the words that don't come out,

All of the friends who think that I'm blessed,

They don't know I'm in this mess.

Lately I've been worrying myself sick with stuff. Important stuff that will have major implication on my future. Never in my life that I've been this restless thinking about something and very unsettled regarding it. For the first time, I am uncertain as to what to do. 

I'm so confused.

At the moment I am slightly depressed, which no amount of chocolate/wine/kiss* could make it right. 

If I am another person looking at me right now, I'll feel nauseous.

*Delete as necessary.

PS: Quote from The Story- Brandi Carlile

How much sex is enough?

"For me? Oh, God. My idea of the perfect life would be if we just stayed in bed all time. We could make love more or less continuously, only get up to bring in supplies, you know, fresh water and fruit to prevent scurvy, and make occasional trips to the bathroom to shave before diving back into bed. And once in a while we could change the sheets. And go to the movies to prevent bedsores."

-a quote from a novel; has niffenegger been reading my mind?-

Afterthoughts

Last weekend was tough. I came very close to getting depressed. All because of this stupid BIG PROJECT that seems like its never gonna end. I wrote a very negative entry previously and I apologized to those who had (unluckily) read it. I deleted it as it didnt completely represent me and the nice person I am. Psst.. It was p35, an evil-ridden person in me that will come out when I'm feeling stressed out.

So yet again another weekend spent slaving to the need of completing project report. And what difficult task it was. It took me hours to figure out which statistical analysis is relevant the weekend before and this weekend more hours to figure out how to present them. However discussion section was by far the most difficult part for me.

Why oh why do we have to suffer like this?

Weather was not great. It was shit in fact. I can't wait until this Big Project finishes, then I can go to southern europe for my holiday. I'm counting days.

Due to this project and its demanding need (especially compulsory meetings with supervisor ACCORDING TO HIS FREE-TIME) I had missed few but very major things.
i) My best friend's graduation day in BIGCITY. ARRRGHHHH!
ii) I couldn't go to wave off my best friend's at the airport when she was leaving UK for good.
iii) A trip of a lifetime to Italy.

I absolutely hate this project now. Like I said, I'm counting days.

In patient's shoes

Pardon the cliche.

I was a patient today. Have got some sort of procedure done to my eyes. Sheeesh. It wasn't painful at all but I still felt sorry for myself. I walked out of the hospital straight into a bed (at a friend's place). At first I thought I want to cry, but then I thought again- if it wasn't painful, why the hell should I cry. Possibly I'm feeling SOOOOOOO sorry for myself.

With all things being said about NHS and its downfall, I beg to differ. NHS isn't that bad. Waiting time (to get a follow-up appointment) is probably longer than what I would have like it to be, but at point of service delivery, its up to the standard. All the staff at the Eye Ward treated me with respect. No.. its not just the cup of coffee that they offered me after the procedure that won me over, it was the great service that I received the entire time I was there.

Prior to the procedure*, I was consented by my ophthalmologist. (Editor's Note: Notice p53 habit of calling any doctor as hers, MY ophthalmologist, MY consultant) Let us call him Mr V. I've met Mr V before this. He explained the procedure and all the time I gazed into his blue eyes. How appropriate? A decent man with gorgeous eyes as an ophthalmologist. Aw.. He is definitely one of the doctors that could easily be someone who I want to be like. Very charming.

After inserting two set of silicon into my eyes, he said: "that's beautiful"

And I was like, oh...(dopey-eyed) thank you Mr V. But I didn't.

He must have meant it for me right? He couldn't be referring to the silicon right? Its just merely a microscopic object that he has probably seen millions times before.

But in my parallel, imaginary world I would have said so. "That's beautiful" will refer to my eye(s). Yours truly.

So there you go. I have got silicon somewhere in my eyes.

Now at the time of writing (which about 12 hours post procedure) I still am feeling sorry for myself. Even the best bath** I ever had could not lift my spirit up. So, don't mess around with me tonight.

*Procedure: insert silicon to lacrimal ducts to prevent dry eyes to further prevent damage to corneas. I had temporary ones inserted into them ducts about a month ago.
**Story about the best bath in next entry.

Weekend Alert

So many things happened the weekend just past, I don't even know where to start. And half of these things are so personal, I can't just write them all down.* Although if the weekend could be translated into a biography, it'll certainly attract many many readers. So many drama!

The weekend was all about my friends, BIG CITY, some one leaving on a jet plane (woo!), a flawed proposal, a fake smile, my best friend's wedding(!), roses, shopping, wedding gifts, my crush, another wedding announcement, Angelina Jolie and James Mc Avoy, Wimbledon's final and food GLORIOUS food.

The myriad of emotions that rushed over me all weekend was tough to explain here. I'm very weird in that sense; for everything that happened my feeling is usually OTT. Intensified close to being an emotional wreck at times.

As I don't feel comfortable telling all the stories here, I'll include excerpts from few songs instead to enable you guys to imagine what had taken over me- emotionally.

• Then again it's good to get a call
  Now and then just to say hello
  Have I said I hate to see you go..... (for the one leaving on the jet plane!)
  
• No, this is how it works
  You peer inside yourself
  You take the things you like
  And try to love the things you took
  And then you take that love you made
  And stick it into some
  Someone else's heart
  Pumping someone else's blood
  And walking arm in arm
  You hope it don't get harmed
  But even if it does
  You'll just do it all again....(is this how love should evolve in my world?)
• Love each other or perish.... (ok, this one is not from a song, a quote from a fav book of mine)

*I'm not good in expressing myself that way...

A Fine Frenzy

I stumbled across this artist by chance on YouTube. For a split second, I was crossed with myself for a bit for not knowing this song any earlier.
OMG... the first time I heard this song, I felt a surge of deepest emotion resurfaced. This will be the perfect song for an 'almost lover' I have (note the present tense verb used- yeah- have not had). The entire lyric is exactly what I want to say to him.
Has she (Alison Sudol) been foreseeing things about to happen between me and him? "spanish lullabies""you took my hand and danced with me" "you told me you would never, never forget". [Insert sad face here: aaaarrgghh good memories turn into painful reminders]

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

~~~Too bad at the moment I cant really say these words to him*~~~

*Him = not my ex, nor my crush

Suicidal

I am THIS close to jumping out of the window next to me.
(THIS being thumb and index finger put very closely together).

All hail, please give me strength O Mighty Lord.

***edited later***
Sorry for being so negative. Boredom and me dont go well together.
It is a nightmare going through thick (chunky- geddit?) patient notes.

Question

Have you ever had a day when your feeling is all mixed up?

Upset: I was told something so unexpected by my doctor. (me as a patient not student).

Really really upset, like the most upsetting thing in the world: After listening to my doctor's advices. "I can only advise but not force you to do so"

Weird: after the doctor done some minor procedure on me.

Rough: well who wouldnt after 1 hour of solid crying?

Angry: with the person inside me who's so liable to cry to things like this when I already warn her not to!

Disgusted: with myself for crying in front of my doctor and alone in a quiet room.

Hopeless: There's nothing I can do to change things.

Shocked: when I was told the prognosis and its implications.

Sad: because of all this, turn the inside of me into complete chaos.

Relief: (ever so slightly): after talking to my friends.

Loved: for having friends that stand by me no matter what (or sit by the crying me in the middle of canteen!)

Happy: Had a phone call from my crush! (what an unsuitable time, but life goes on!)

Felt like a liar: after talking to him. all cheerful cheerful when i talked to him, well in fact I actually hate myself in the given situation (of sobbing uncontrolably)

Excited: for what gonna happen later today (nothing to do with the crush, in case you guys are wondering)

Depressed: I know I am gonna have a whale of time tonight, but I know I wont be me.

Tired: of putting up a good front.

Self explanatory:
i) Felt like shiite.
ii) Distraught

a haiku

Muscles aching now
Falling apart I feel weak
But God, I'm so proud.